Problem of Pain

Well I managed it again. Landed myself  in the hospital.. AGAIN. And as such, God and I have had a few conversations over my situation.

            God, why did you do this to me? Why me? I questioned God over and over – why He did this to me… and then I realized, He didn’t do it to TO me, it wasn’t some divine act of the will to make me sick and go through all this. And then, over time, I’ve come to see it as a blessing in disguise (a heavy disguise, but a blessing nonetheless).

            C.S. Lewis put my exact feelings into words through his writings of the Problem of Pain…

‘If God were good, he would wish to make his creatures perfectly happy, and if God were almighty he would be able to do as he wished. But the creatures are not happy. Therefore God lacks either goodness, or power, or both.’

            So God and I had a little talk. I was miffed at Him for not spiffing everything up all nice and happy the way I wanted it to, but then He got me to see the blessings that have come out of all these struggles. I’ve been able to reach out to a lot of people that I might not otherwise have been able to, I’ve met some very amazing people, heard some awesome stories, and had quite a few funny stories along the way. My relationship with my parents has never been stronger – something that I’m so grateful for. My mom and I didn’t always see eye to eye, but she’s been one of my biggest supporters along the way, picking me up on days when I honestly just didn’t want to drag myself out of the bed and face the doctors. Or my dad who has been a constant support for me, especially as God and I spiritually wrestled and had our little tiffs (there were a few weeks I felt like I could no longer sit through church and ended up just leaving (not recommended) that he had to help heal some of the fissures I had created through my misunderstanding of God. He’s promised to take care of our every need, yes, not to make it all bright, shiny, and peachy.

            An extension of this struggle over suffering with God, is that I had a pretty nasty attitude towards Him over my life that I felt I had ‘lost’ through all the medical complications and treatments. I felt a loss of control  with needing to watch my diet carefully as the steroids induced a slow onset of diabetes and again a loss of control as the steroids I was placed on waged a constant war on my body and eating habits. I felt as though I had no control over what had happened to my body and was angry that God had allowed it to happen – there was so much that I wanted to do for Him, I had been planning on giving up my life and becoming a nun once I graduated high school.                   

            This particular calling I felt was one that really rubbed me the wrong way with God – I felt like I was so willing to give up my life for Him, yet then (here comes my terrible perspective) He gave me a brain tumor?! I mean, whats with that God? I was going to do all this stuff for you, lay down my life, and give it all to you, and then you go and use it like playdoh.GAH! and then a priest pointed out to me, that no, He gave me the opportunity to lay down everything in my life. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. I had been willing to lay it all down for religious life, and now here was just another way I could do the same thing – lay down my life for God and give it all up for Him. How beautiful! Makes the daily little sufferings much easier. 

Hands and Feet of our Lord

Christ has no body but yours,
No hands, no feet on earth but yours,
Yours are the eyes with which he looks
Compassion on this world,
Yours are the feet with which he walks to do good,
Yours are the hands, with which he blesses all the world.
Yours are the hands, yours are the feet,
Yours are the eyes, you are his body.
Christ has no body now but yours,
No hands, no feet on earth but yours,
Yours are the eyes with which he looks
compassion on this world.
Christ has no body now on earth but yours.

St. Theresa of Avila wrote these words that have such a great impact – they really express our mission here on earth, to be the hands and feet of Christ – His physical extension here on earth. Throughout the trials of the past two years, my mother has truly been the extension of His hands and feet to me. I risk making her cry by writing this post, but it is one that I feel needs to be written.

She has patiently cared for me, making nutritious meals for me while by body has been swacked from the array of medications I’ve been on, even when the ‘healthy’ choice wasn’t always the easy one. She has helped me physically in and out of bed, the car, pushed my wheelchair at times when I’m not so mobile, and attended more doctors appointments with me than I can or want to count.

On the nights when I wake up at 2am in the morning and simply need a ‘mommy hug’ and glass of ‘stale water’(inside joke) i’m so touched as she carefully and lovingly cares for me and puts aside her needs. She truly has shown me the meaning of love, being patient with me when I’m feeling my worst or having an emotional breakdown, putting aside her needs for mine, and loving me no matter what I do – creating an environment where I feel safe and truly loved. I can honestly say she is the hands and feet of Jesus for me in my life. For whom can you be the hands and feet of Jesus? 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:8-11

Plans Hoped For

After a delay in my long anticipated college plans that I had been closely planning for many years – initially planning on attending the University of Notre Dame, but soon having many of my plans foiled by the surprise brain tumor that I was discovered to have in my Junior year of high school – I was growing frustrated with God. I had been planning out my life, my majors, colleges, what steps I needed to take, applying myself relentlessly at school, and now all of a sudden I was watching my hard work fade away and had no idea what my future held any more.

Today a very significant letter came in the mail for me, one that I have had to wait a long time to receive. My first college acceptance letter. To my first choice college that is located all the way across the country in Ohio. Now, to go across the country for college may not be unusual for most people, but when you’ve developed such a network of doctors like we have created here around us at home in Arizona, going across the country where there weren’t any doctors familiar with my complicated case wasn’t in the question. In fact, it was pretty much out of the question as far as everyone else was concerned. My hopes were crushed, knowing that physically we could work matters out so that I could get around, granted I wasn’t as mobile as I once was, but still I would have to re-network all the different doctors and specialties in order for the cross-country transition to work.

Ever since we picked up the mail last night, I’ve been struggling with the folder that they sent me from the college. Why God? Why let me get in, so close to my dreams, when I can’t go? But thinking and praying about it this morning I’m realizing, He has plans for me, plans to give me a future. It may be that He will work things out so that I can go to this college, and it may be that He has better plans for me – its up to Him. No matter what they are, they’re His plans in His hands. Not mine – He can see the big picture of it all, I’m only seeing a few threads of the final tapestry. He is making the plans for my future, and while I might have some input – I can choose to do my homework, to send in my applications for college, to stay off drugs, I can’t choose my future – Its God who gives me hope and makes the plans.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

Shared Tears

I have a confession to make. I have an addiction to my calendar. Without my calendar to organize my schedule, I would feel quite lost and scattered. Another confession – my calendar contains way too much color for its own good. Yesterday was definitely one of those ‘over colorful’ days. I took one look at the schedule for the day and immediately felt overwhelmed – There was my physical therapist coming in the morning,  French Class right after, a quick lunch on the way to a doctors appointment, and finally more school when I got home. Lets just say that my calendar resembled a rainbow with all the colors of all the activities that we had scheduled.

But the day came, as most days do, and I got up and knew I had to face the day. That it would come whether I liked it or not, and that there really was not much I could do to stop it. So, I got up and tried to steel myself for what I saw as a day of torture with not much to look forward to. My physical therapist arrived and thus began my day – so we went outside in the driveway to begin our traditional walk and I fared pretty well until I got to the end of our driveway and burst into a puddle of tears, probably scaring Scott (the therapist). Not knowing what exactly to do with a crying teenage girl, he kindly listened to my blubbering and helped me inside where I finally calmed down.

In reflecting on my little outburst over just feeling so simply overwhelmed, I see now that Jesus can relate. John 11:35 says, “Jesus wept.” Simple as that. I think sometimes we give him all these superpowers and raise Him up to have some superhuman powers, like he never cried, never got upset,  handled everything that life threw at him. But no, he gets it. He understands when my heard just gets so overwhelmed that I have a meltdown in the middle of our driveway – He’s been there, done that. Even the Bible says so. Jesus cried too. Jesus was human, He had human experiences and understands what we’re going through. Yes, He’s also the Son of God, but He came down to earth and went through all this crud too. So next time I need a good cry – He’s there as a shoulder to cry on, He gets it.

 Jesus wept.  John 11:35

                                                                                                    

Flowers Trust

Over the past two years, my body has taken a hit that can only be likened to a terrorist attack. One that it was completely not expecting. I was a moderately healthy teenage girl with big plans and hopes for my future, when I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Well.. that threw a kink in a few of my plans like college and graduating high school. With this diagnosis I had a tumor resection and several surgeries. Nothing in my plans for the end of my junior year of high school. 

Yet still despite all this trauma, I had to trust that God still cared, still had a special plan for me that He intended to carry out. How did I know this? By looking at one of my favorite things to paint. Sunflowers. I LOVE sunflowers, but they drive me absolutely crazy every time I try to paint them because there are so many petals and so many details - I generally try to stay away from them. Yet the bible says, And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. (Matthew 6:29). If God cares so much about those flowers that can annoy me so much that He made them so beautiful, even more so than the man who was given so much wisdom - then how much does He care about me? I hope I measure up a little ways to a flower! I've gotta trust Him to at least take care of my basic needs - He gives them water and soil, I need God and love - I think He can handle that. 

To Paint the Impossible

As I'm not currently taking any actual high school classes this year, my mom and I decided to take some drawing classes through the parks and rec program in our city to supplement the classes that I was dearly missing. The first class session went wonderfully and my mom and I both made some wonderful paintings that we were both very happy with. 
However, we finished out the class and signed up for round two. We showed up for class the first day and I started flipping through some magazines for inspiration for what to paint. I found quite a few pretty pictures of flowers and such, and then I found trouble. I found a picture of a vase with a bouquet of flowers that was multi-colored, with a fair amount of shading and several chinese dragons. A little in over my head, being advised against trying to copy the ridiculously complicated painting by the teachers, I was determined. I would not give up, no matter how intimidating that picture was - facing me every week, I would look at the magazine print and wonder what I had been thinking to choose to copy it. But there was no way I was going to giver up on it - no matter how difficult it was, it was a beautiful picture, and I saw the potential that it had - (if I ever finished it) - the beauty that it could hold. 
Then I realized, that God sees us the same way. Throughout all of my medical challenges and trials, I've struggled to always see myself through God's eyes with all the physical hits that my body has taken from the medications and surgeries. However, despite everything that the medical profession has done to me and my body, He still sees me as beautiful. He created me, He formed me in my mother's womb. How amazing to be that intimately connected with my creator!? They can't take that away from me, no matter how many brain biopsies they perform or shunts they place, I've been created beautifully by my creator, individually. He saw the potential, sees the potential that I still have, even if I don't always see it - I have to trust Him that I have that potential to continue to 

flower, to look past the flaws that I see, and place my trust in Him.




For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.Ps. 139:13