Problem of Pain

Well I managed it again. Landed myself  in the hospital.. AGAIN. And as such, God and I have had a few conversations over my situation.

            God, why did you do this to me? Why me? I questioned God over and over – why He did this to me… and then I realized, He didn’t do it to TO me, it wasn’t some divine act of the will to make me sick and go through all this. And then, over time, I’ve come to see it as a blessing in disguise (a heavy disguise, but a blessing nonetheless).

            C.S. Lewis put my exact feelings into words through his writings of the Problem of Pain…

‘If God were good, he would wish to make his creatures perfectly happy, and if God were almighty he would be able to do as he wished. But the creatures are not happy. Therefore God lacks either goodness, or power, or both.’

            So God and I had a little talk. I was miffed at Him for not spiffing everything up all nice and happy the way I wanted it to, but then He got me to see the blessings that have come out of all these struggles. I’ve been able to reach out to a lot of people that I might not otherwise have been able to, I’ve met some very amazing people, heard some awesome stories, and had quite a few funny stories along the way. My relationship with my parents has never been stronger – something that I’m so grateful for. My mom and I didn’t always see eye to eye, but she’s been one of my biggest supporters along the way, picking me up on days when I honestly just didn’t want to drag myself out of the bed and face the doctors. Or my dad who has been a constant support for me, especially as God and I spiritually wrestled and had our little tiffs (there were a few weeks I felt like I could no longer sit through church and ended up just leaving (not recommended) that he had to help heal some of the fissures I had created through my misunderstanding of God. He’s promised to take care of our every need, yes, not to make it all bright, shiny, and peachy.

            An extension of this struggle over suffering with God, is that I had a pretty nasty attitude towards Him over my life that I felt I had ‘lost’ through all the medical complications and treatments. I felt a loss of control  with needing to watch my diet carefully as the steroids induced a slow onset of diabetes and again a loss of control as the steroids I was placed on waged a constant war on my body and eating habits. I felt as though I had no control over what had happened to my body and was angry that God had allowed it to happen – there was so much that I wanted to do for Him, I had been planning on giving up my life and becoming a nun once I graduated high school.                   

            This particular calling I felt was one that really rubbed me the wrong way with God – I felt like I was so willing to give up my life for Him, yet then (here comes my terrible perspective) He gave me a brain tumor?! I mean, whats with that God? I was going to do all this stuff for you, lay down my life, and give it all to you, and then you go and use it like playdoh.GAH! and then a priest pointed out to me, that no, He gave me the opportunity to lay down everything in my life. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. I had been willing to lay it all down for religious life, and now here was just another way I could do the same thing – lay down my life for God and give it all up for Him. How beautiful! Makes the daily little sufferings much easier.